For the second installment of Blogger Confessions, with Valentine’s Day in mind, the women in DC are dishing on the topic of relationships. There is a lot I can confess to on this topic but I will limit the scope of this post to the subject of Commitment; I confess to being commitment phobic. My fear of commitment – I really don’t like using the word fear so, let’s just call it an aversion – is not confined to the sphere of relationships, it is also expressed in my approach to jobs and my career, my geographic location, my calendar/schedule planning, grocery shopping, menu deciding, temperature pre-sets and my refusal to use cruise control. As far as relationships go… Anecdotal Story:
Brad and I met in the fall of 2009. I knew immediately that I enjoyed his company and wanted to be around him more. I also knew that I did not want to be in a committed relationship. Not because I wanted to play the proverbial field (I’ve never been the kind of girl who plays on fields of any kind – except frisbee) but because I hold freedom in high regard and I tend to view committed relationships as an encumbrance. Not a physical encumbrance but an emotional one. The fact that my decisions will be made with someone else in mind, my head space now shared with another person and no longer the place where my decisions solely concern me but have impact someone else’s life/emotional state. Having the motto of “full disclosure”, I proceeded to inform Brad each day that we saw each other, regardless of and especially because of how incredibly romantic and perfect our dates were, “I am not going to marry you, I am not going to be the mother of your children.” Just like that, cold and matter of fact. I didn’t want him to think he had any effect on my individuality or any claim to my life or future decisions. Oh Brad, how did you have the patience?! In the fall of 2010, I set a date to “break up” with him. I said, “Once the holidays are over, we are going to break up. I think February 3rd should be the day.” Gosh, when I write that out it sounds really bad. See at that point, I knew I wanted to be with him, I wanted to be committed and I knew that that meant forever, so, I needed some time to come to that decision and face that fact on my own.
In my conscious mind, I realize being committed to someone doesn’t mean you are pigeon-holed, limited, confined, bound and restricted but instinctually, my initial response is to resist it and “be free”. I’ve come to learn that those fears/aversions are in fact the real encumbrances. Now I am committed to marry Brad and be his wife until I leave this earth, and I’ve never felt freer.
For more Valentine’s Day prompted confessions, please see the wonderful blogs of TheYouFinder, High Fashion 4 Less, Web Haute Jas & Julip Made.
image via here
9 Comments
i love this. it’s a journey i’ve had to make in my own life as well. and i still struggle some days with wanting to determine my own career/destiny/dinner-plans selfishly. but i made a promise to a wonderful man. and he fights his demons, too. and he blesses me every day of his life. how could i give him any less.
So, so true! I struggled with commitment a ton and I’ve come to the same conclusion. Lmao @ cruise control ..reminds me of my drive down new england the other day ..on, off, on, off. Congrats on becoming an auntie..you will love every minute of it!
It is hard when a lot of the messages we receive from society are that being in love hinders a women’s freedom to be independent, career driven, etc. What a farce! I am learning how it makes me even a more better person. Being in a relationship is work, but it is the type of work that makes you even a stronger woman.
You don’t use Cruise Control out of an “aversion” to commitment? THat’s deep! I don’t use Cruise Control either, but it’s due to not knowing how…
a lot of guys (commitment phobes) could truly benefit from reading this post:)
Freedom is a wonderful thing.
Your confession made me think of the writings of Dr. Jonathan Sacks, Chief rabbi of the UK and the Commonwealth. I have found the passage to copy it for you:
“What is marriage? Words. A commitment. We pledge ourselves to someone else. It is probably the most significant commitment any of us can make, and it depends on our moral determination to honour it. A declaration of marriage does not mean, ‘We are man and wife so long as we find each other attractive or compatible; so long as we feel passion for one another; so long as we don’t meet someone else more attractive.’ It means, ‘I will be with you whatever fate brings. I will stay loyal to you. When you need me, I’ll be there. When things are tough, I won’t walk away.’ [...] A personal commitment is stronger than passion, emotion or attraction. It is a pledge to share a life together, come what may.”
So true Jenny. Thank you for sharing that, I love it:)
Apollina – I’m a huge fan of your blog. I especially loved this post because it’s something I struggle with often. I feel I’m the most pure form of myself when I’m single and independent, which makes being in a relationship hard since I feel I’m giving something up. It’s comforting to know that you’ve felt this way too, and that you’ve been able to overcome it in your own way. Thank you for the continued inspiration.
xAmy
Post a Comment