For the second installment of Blogger Confessions, with Valentine’s Day in mind, the women in DC are dishing on the topic of relationships. There is a lot I can confess to on this topic but I will limit the scope of this post to the subject of Commitment; I confess to being commitment phobic. My fear of commitment – I really don’t like using the word fear so, let’s just call it an aversion – is not confined to the sphere of relationships, it is also expressed in my approach to jobs and my career, my geographic location, my calendar/schedule planning, grocery shopping, menu deciding, temperature pre-sets and my refusal to use cruise control. As far as relationships go… Anecdotal Story:
Brad and I met in the fall of 2009. I knew immediately that I enjoyed his company and wanted to be around him more. I also knew that I did not want to be in a committed relationship. Not because I wanted to play the proverbial field (I’ve never been the kind of girl who plays on fields of any kind – except frisbee) but because I hold freedom in high regard and I tend to view committed relationships as an encumbrance. Not a physical encumbrance but an emotional one. The fact that my decisions will be made with someone else in mind, my head space now shared with another person and no longer the place where my decisions solely concern me but have impact someone else’s life/emotional state. Having the motto of “full disclosure”, I proceeded to inform Brad each day that we saw each other, regardless of and especially because of how incredibly romantic and perfect our dates were, “I am not going to marry you, I am not going to be the mother of your children.” Just like that, cold and matter of fact. I didn’t want him to think he had any effect on my individuality or any claim to my life or future decisions. Oh Brad, how did you have the patience?! In the fall of 2010, I set a date to “break up” with him. I said, “Once the holidays are over, we are going to break up. I think February 3rd should be the day.” Gosh, when I write that out it sounds really bad. See at that point, I knew I wanted to be with him, I wanted to be committed and I knew that that meant forever, so, I needed some time to come to that decision and face that fact on my own.
In my conscious mind, I realize being committed to someone doesn’t mean you are pigeon-holed, limited, confined, bound and restricted but instinctually, my initial response is to resist it and “be free”. I’ve come to learn that those fears/aversions are in fact the real encumbrances. Now I am committed to marry Brad and be his wife until I leave this earth, and I’ve never felt freer.
image via here